Conversations are usually a matter of interpretation between the sender and receiver. You never truly know what the outcome will be, regardless of your best intentions or the relationship’s longevity. What gets said and what is perceived can differ based on an individual’s preconceived notions and underlying motivations.
Additionally, each person’s wants, needs, inherent beliefs, biases, perspectives, and conditioned behaviors are instrumental in how they process, interpret, and respond to the messages they hear.
Expect the unexpected when conversing.
Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or in a long-standing relationship, recognize that outside circumstances can influence moods and reactions. Clashes often stem from opposing preferences or being incongruent, where an immediate repair may be warranted.
For example, blatantly dismissing what someone has said by talking over them or ignoring their key points will impact how they react. Additionally, avoiding disclosing things that are vital to you may cause more tension.
Instead, managing expectations before conversing and remaining open can help you avoid misinterpreting situations. Additionally, actively listening and asking clarifying questions can foster mutual respect, appreciation, understanding, and compromise.
Boost your insight with “self-check-ins” to communicate more effectively.
Turning inward and creating balance before outwardly connecting can help you focus, be more situationally aware, adapt quickly, and increase relevancy.
Here are some steps to guide you:
#1 Evaluate your mindset.
Before joining conversations, limit ruminating about various scenarios of what someone else may say and how you’ll respond. Not only will those thoughts increase your anxiety, but they can also cloud your perspective. When you feel positive and accept all aspects of yourself, you’ll be more confident, show up calmer, and have more clarity around your intentions. Additionally, you’ll be less reactive or extreme in your responses and can assess situations without distortion or intense emotions and beliefs.
#2 Assert yourself with consideration.
When you’re interested in genuine connection and communicating authentically, rather than “covering up” and striving to make a point, you can become curious and explore someone else’s ideas and solutions. Equally important is making sure others understand you. In addition to using a “message triangle,” you can embrace Marsha Linehan’s “DEAR MAN” technique to prepare your thoughts. The acronym letters are “Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate.” This dialectical behavior therapy tool helps you to assert yourself and effectively make a request. You can view the details on the PESI® website.
#3 Be aware of triggers.
Like most humans, you probably have the innate desire to be seen, heard, and appreciated. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be acknowledged for who you are and what you have to offer, and the person you’re speaking to most likely has the same intrinsic aspiration. So, when someone makes you upset, pinpoint the reason objectively and ask yourself, “Did they treat me poorly, or did their actions activate a sensitivity?” By viewing your emotions as rational or irrational thoughts you can identify the triggers and work through them before they become problematic. When you’re grounded and attuned to your mind and body, you can take action with a sense of ease rather than being in the grip of your inner critic. Further, being courageous in your communication can raise your confidence so you can avoid just seeking validation or approval.
#4 Tap into your highest expression.
How you express yourself, your tone, and how you deliver your message will make a substantial difference in ensuring your message is clear, concise, and without contradictory thoughts. To magnify your message, use words with a positive vibe that evoke excitement, and resonate with the other person. Listen freely, refraining from concentrating on your comeback as you may miss an essential element and misinterpret their intent. If you’re unsure or overwhelmed by their disclosure, follow up with questions or say, “Thank you for that. I need a few moments to think through what you said before replying.”
#5 Watch your “shoulds” and “musts.”
Maintaining an unbiased, open, and peaceful state all the time is unrealistic, so when you hear yourself thinking or saying “should” or “must,” know you may be passing judgment. However, the more you reflect and acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, and actions over time, the more apt you’ll be to catch yourself and pause rather than continue on auto-pilot. By taking a step back, you can self-regulate, objectively evaluate what’s happening, and loosen your attachment to your persona and connected belief system.
Experiment to find what works for you.
Effective communication isn’t always about being calm and knowing how to react in a given situation. Many times, it’s about accepting what-is and bouncing back fast when things don’t go your way. With focus and intention, you can use what you learn to make small adjustments in your behavior to increase your resilience and improve your well-being. Also, there is no one way to make a sustainable change. It’s about discovering and implementing a structure that works best for you at a deliberate and repeatable pace.
Activate your best with those around you.
Self-leadership is about getting to know yourself better and applying that knowledge to how you connect with others. As a lifelong student, certified professional coach, and consultant, activating the best in others through self-leadership, interpersonal relations, and team dynamics are passions of mine. My approach is personalized and customized, tapping into various assessments, disciplines, modalities, and techniques. Also, check out my “Micro & Mini Service Offerings” and try one session to inspire you. Sign up solo or with another person or group to work on a specific exercise or activity and split the costs! Contact me to get started.