Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic technique based on the principle that the human system is comprised of multiple parts. This internal family system includes a core Self and inner parts. Our core Self embodies our best qualities, can’t be damaged, and knows how to heal. At the same time, our inner parts show up as a managerial and protective system to handle daily life and various aspects of ourselves, including our wounds.
Intimacy from the Inside Out© (IFIO) is a type of therapy that carries the concepts of IFS into a relational setting for the growth and healing of both the couple and the individuals. IFIO also includes aspects of psychodynamic theory, systems thinking, and neuroscience. It helps couples to (1) better express themselves to be heard and understood and (2) listen in a manner that allows for a clearer understanding of their partner.
Early on in an IFIO session, each person shares what they hope for, and an agreed-upon goal is established to work towards.
A facilitated approach to identify the repetitive patterns.
When couples seek support, it’s often related to a specific topic or frustration, such as feeling understood, accepting each other’s differences, conflict over decisions, challenges with particular behaviors, and relationship ruptures.
The IFIO practitioner creates a safe space for couples to take turns sharing their experiences from an IFS parts perspective, i.e., speaking “for” their parts, not from them. For example, “A part of me feels like X when you don’t do Y,” and “Another part of me feels X and just wants to Y.”
As one person speaks and shares in detail a typical scenario of what brought them to the session, the other individual is guided to listen in an intentional, open, and compassionate way to comprehend and validate what they hear.
An invitation to converse and connect differently.
Throughout an IFIO session, the practitioner will slow down the play-by-plays and interrupt when someone passes blame, judgment, or criticism on another. Furthermore, they will reflect the patterns that surfaced from the stories shared and offer hope and guidance forward toward their collective goal.
In addition to shifting your outlook, here are five ways to prepare for an IFIO session:
#1 Harness the power of INTRA-personal communication.
Your internal monologue is a fundamental aspect of yourself that supports everyday living, from managing your activities to working through issues and making decisions. Your inner voices are potent facets of your psyche that integrate your conscious and unconscious thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions. What you say to and how you treat yourself impacts your self-worth and confidence level regarding who you are and what you’re capable of, affecting how you show up and relate to others. Going inside allows you to “be real” with yourself and take back control by increasing your self-awareness, acceptance, and appreciation for who you are holistically.
#2 Embrace self-care rituals.
Establishing habits that are right for you takes experimentation, particularly as you navigate your daily responsibilities and commitments. Self-care rituals can do wonders in supporting you and your heart, mind, and body. For example, they can help you regulate your nervous system, improve your productivity, and enhance your interactions with others. Regardless of your threshold for navigating issues, its push and pull, disruption, and uncertainty can span from exciting to exhausting to frustrating, potentially clouding your judgment. Taking a break and resting when feeling triggered or drained can provide you space to recenter and re-energize rather than engage in behaviors that further perpetuate the issues.
#3 Consider how you show up.
Strengthening your communication competency enables you to foster relationships where mutual respect, trust, and acceptance are established and both parties feel at ease. Think about how you regularly show up and ask yourself: “Am I present in the conversation or thinking about something else? Am I passing judgment with the words should or must? Am I considering this person’s perspective or too attached to my beliefs?” Based on your answers, you can determine whether you are open and willing to compromise in your discussions. Factoring in that some conversations may include a wide array of emotions, the outcome will realistically hinge on how messages were received and decisions were made.
#4 Self-regulate when feeling stressed.
When you perceive something as stressful or a threat, your sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive, activating your automatic reflexes, and kicking in your survival instincts. Self-regulation is about learning and listening to your feelings, managing emotional waves, and responding more effectively. This includes accepting what-is and bouncing back fast when things don’t go your way. Appreciating how your body is wired and what it needs are equally important, as often there can be a disparity between what you physically need and what you think you need that can cause friction.
#5 Expect the unexpected when conversing.
In long-standing relationships, recognition that outside circumstances can influence moods and reactions is paramount. Clashes often stem from opposing preferences or being incongruent, where an immediate repair may be warranted. For example, blatantly dismissing what someone has said by talking over them or ignoring their key points will impact how they react. Additionally, avoiding disclosing things vital to you may cause more tension. Boost your insight with “self-check-ins” to communicate more effectively. Turning inward and creating balance before outwardly connecting can help you focus, be more situationally aware, adapt quickly, and increase relevancy.
The complex triangle of “you, me, and us.”
When you’re in a partnership, the interaction between you creates a third element—an “Us”—which is multidimensional and complex, where you can unconsciously or consciously activate the best or the worst in both of you. In addition to IFIO sessions, the Couples Enneagram Report can help you learn more about each other from multiple perspectives with strategies that support your communication, growth, and development as a couple.
Activate your best with those around you.
Self-leadership is about getting to know yourself better and applying that knowledge to how you interact with others. As a lifelong student, certified professional coach, and consultant, activating the best in others through self-leadership, interpersonal relations, and team dynamics are passions of mine. My approach is personalized and customized, tapping into various assessments, disciplines, modalities, and techniques. Also, check out my “Micro & Mini Service Offerings” and try one session to inspire you. Sign up solo or with another person or group to work on a specific exercise or activity and split the costs! Contact me to get started.