Leo Tolstoy infamously wrote, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” The reality is the only person you can truly change is YOU.
Rather than getting upset or insisting on how someone else “should” be, set the example by accessing your highest expression so you can effectively share and showcase what’s important to you. For instance, openly discussing each other’s priorities, values, expectations, and non-negotiables can help to foster trust.
Additionally, being real in your communication, admitting when you’re not at your best, and meeting people where they are at can increase relevancy, where they may have their own “a-ha” moment that leads to them wanting to be a better version of themselves.
Uncover your core motivation and intention.
Charles Swindoll stated, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Knowing the “why” behind your need for someone to act differently can help you communicate and respond in a way that demonstrates emotional maturity and minimizes potential “snafus.”
Transformation starts with the individual, and your greatest tool is your capacity to choose how you’ll show up and accept people for who they are. Also, by role-modeling essential skills and positive behaviors you can potentially inspire them to do the same.
Here are five ways to refocus your attention on what you can do rather than desiring someone else to change.
#1 Create balance within yourself.
Often, we look outward to find solutions for whatever we’re facing, with the view that something or someone else is at fault and they should fix it. Yet, that is rarely the case. Most of the time, we’re out of sync with ourselves. Living in congruence is about creating a balance between your head, heart, and body, i.e., how you think, feel, and act. To detect what’s occurring in your system, use the acronym HALT to assess your state of hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness. If you witness any of these, take a break. Get something to eat, vent, or reach out to a trusted friend. If you’re tired, take a short nap, and if you can’t rest, do an activity that helps you rejuvenate.
#2 Amp up your emotional intelligence and resiliency.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) skills are crucial for self-leadership, successful interpersonal dynamics, optimal performance, and professional advancement. Tapping into your EQ enables you to pick up on verbal and nonverbal cues from others and increase your resiliency to adapt to obstacles and address issues you’d rather ignore. With improved strength, you can manage your emotional waves more effectively and handle stress better. Furthermore, with an optimistic outlook, you can put an end to your internal fight and view things objectively from multiple angles and possibilities.
#3 Prioritize mutual understanding.
You can lose appreciation for another person if you concentrate too much on what bothers you rather than what you have in common. Keep in mind you really only know someone from the outside and are not aware of their concerns, doubts, or uncertainties unless they tell you. The Enneagram teaches that all humans deal with underlying issues stemming from their centers: the body (anger and control), the heart (shame and image), and the head (fear and security). When you’re mindful of a person’s challenges and their potential triggers, you can join conversations in a more empathetic manner. By asking questions and giving them your undivided attention, you can provide them with a safe environment to express their truth where you listen with positive intention to respect their perspective and ultimately define success together.
#4 Monitor your expectations.
Expectations are tricky and can impact your exchanges where you may send mixed messages. No one is a mind reader, so if you expect something specific in terms of behavior or action, be clear, direct, and transparent. Assess if your want is realistic or just what you believe or think is best. If you find yourself saying, “But you should…,” this is a tell-tale sign that you’re passing judgment. There are many right ways to do things. Just because someone takes a different approach or values something else doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Refraining from the necessity to be right can help you think through topics in a constructive manner rather than arguing or trying to prove your point. Also, remember that some patience, kindness, and willingness to compromise can go a long way in shifting the trajectory of your relationship.
#5 Redirect your energy.
If you find yourself too focused on another person’s way of being, take a breather. Ruminating thoughts are a mind trap. Instead, redirect your energy toward your priorities. Also, consider that another person’s mode or environmental climate can impact how you feel. When that does occur, it’s important not to let the negative vibe spread further. To pivot, calm your mind and body by listening to your breathing as you inhale and exhale and moving your body to release any tension. Then, you can reclaim your authority and concentrate on what’s in your control instead of future-scenario planning or playing the what-if game.
Leave a positive imprint no matter where you go.
Willam James said it best, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” When you’re in a partnership, your interactions can unconsciously or consciously activate the best or the worst in both of you. Often, we think that small shifts aren’t enough to make a difference. The truth about change is that all the small stuff adds up to the big stuff.
Activate your best with those around you.
Self-leadership is about getting to know yourself better and applying that knowledge to how you interact with others. As a lifelong student, certified professional coach, and consultant, activating the best in others through self-leadership, interpersonal relations, and team dynamics are passions of mine. My approach is personalized and customized, tapping into various assessments, disciplines, modalities, and techniques. Also, check out my “Micro & Mini Service Offerings” and try one session to inspire you. Sign up solo or with another person or group to work on a specific exercise or activity and split the costs! Contact me to get started.