The quality of how you feel when in connection with someone else has a lot to do with your inner connection with yourself and being attentive to what is occurring. It’s this simple awareness and focus of attention that can transform how you join conversations.
When you’re fully present, you are listening with positive intention to what’s being said rather than interpreting or assuming you know how someone will respond. You’re able to engage no matter the situation or setting, giving your undivided attention to the individual and enabling them to feel seen, heard, and appreciated.
Furthermore, when you prioritize mutual understanding and trust and share hidden parts of yourself rather than covering them up, you can deepen connection and elevate how others perceive you.
Take notice of how you show up and who you are in your interactions.
Before entering into a conversation, assess which part of you is in the lead. For example, is it the well-rested and open-minded version of you or perhaps the worn-out and exhausted version? Understanding how you’re feeling provides you the opportunity to ride out your emotional waves and reset before entering a conversation, so you show up with intention and consistency.
For example, if you’re hungry, stressed, or annoyed, you may have limited patience to listen and might rush a conversation to a conclusion, ignoring another person’s inquiries or suggestions. Also, if you are being rigid in your perspective by pushing a specific agenda, your inner critic may have taken over, leading you to unintentionally cause arguments to fulfill a specific career persona or team role.
Your quality of connection with yourself is a prerequisite to successful relationships.
Knowing yourself, i.e., your needs, standards, expectations, and wants, can help you be more objective in your relations. For example, rather than desiring someone else to change, you can take accountability and discern between your non-negotiables and overall wishes.
Additionally, if you’re someone prone to emotional sensitivity and hypervigilance, where you’re easily affected by people’s energy, tone, and the environment, incorporate self-care techniques that can help you create balance, strengthen your resiliency, and minimize the need to seek approval outside of you.
Expect the unexpected when conversing.
External factors are constantly influencing everyone’s moods and reactions. By being more situationally aware, you can learn to quickly adapt before responding.
Here are five tips to reduce interpersonal friction.
#1. W.A.I.T.
If what you’re saying isn’t being received as intended, that’s a gentle cue that your messages must resonate with the recipient or recipients to make sense. If you find yourself continuously pushing, you may be too tied to your perspective and need to pivot in the moment. Additionally, if you catch yourself talking and talking, think of the “W.A.I.T” acronym, which stands for “Why am I talking?” to pause and allow the other person to speak. Also, be mindful about using the word “should” as it can be perceived as passing judgment. Lastly, expand your outlook by asking questions to understand their reasoning and conviction to find common ground. Ask yourself, “Are there additional means to accomplish what you’re looking to achieve?”
#2 You don’t have to have an opinion about this.
Philosopher Marcus Aurelius said, “You always own the option of having no opinion. Things you can’t control are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.” Understanding how others impact you can help you improve the quality of your interactions. Additionally, embracing neutrality, the space in between what someone says to you and your instinctual response, enables you to handle what is developing within you and around you in a non-judgmental way, so you’re able to let whatever is said just be. In other words, you don’t label or attach any thought or emotion to what is transpiring, and you can stay grounded rather than immediately react.
#3 Choose happiness over being right.
Some people thrive in debates and arguments, while others prefer avoiding conflict and finding harmony in discussions. When you let go of the need to be correct, you remove yourself from a conversation that has turned into a ping-pong game of who’s more right. Reciting the mantra, “I’d rather be happy than right,” or suggesting “Let’s agree to disagree” and move on, frees you from getting caught up in a lose-lose entanglement. Writer Phil Van Trueren’s quote is a friendly reminder: “Happiness is happiness, regardless of where you decide to feel it. Contentment comes from what’s inside you, not the stuff around you.”
#4 Allow others to be themselves.
Discern between “yours” and “others” to remain objective. It’s easy to absorb other people’s energy, behaviors, and language. When you’re unsettled, evaluate what’s coming from you versus what’s coming from those around you, and refrain from soaking up their negative vibe or attitude. Instead, expand your capacity to accept all aspects of yourself and extend kindness by giving people the space they need to process through their thoughts and emotions.
#5 Seek less.
Philosopher Socrates noted, “The secret to happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.” This quote is a powerful reminder that less is sometimes more. Clearing out a living area or workspace can be liberating. You can emulate this cathartic experience by getting rid of what’s holding you back and the clutter blocking your brain from letting go and moving forward. You don’t need to know how to let go. You just need to be aware and willing to say farewell. The process you go through allows you to make space for new things and fresh ideas. You can also use the stop-start-continue table to help you organize and prioritize.
Aim for betterment, not perfection.
As human beings, we are complex—emotionally, physically, and scientifically. As you become more aware and acknowledge your thoughts, actions, and feelings, you can focus on taking small, structured steps to make incremental change and progress toward your standards of excellence. And please remember to treat yourself as you would a good friend, giving yourself some grace and self-compassion along the way.
Activate your best with those around you.
Self-leadership is about getting to know yourself better and applying that knowledge to how you interact with others. As a lifelong student, certified professional coach, and consultant, activating the best in others through self-leadership, interpersonal relations, and team dynamics are passions of mine. My approach is personalized and customized, tapping into various assessments, disciplines, modalities, and techniques. Contact me to get started.